I’m So Tired

I was chatting with a friend, and she asked how I was. “Meh”, was my reply. “What’s ‘meh’?”

Meh. Meh is – I’m tired. So tired of fighting for peace (it’s not an oxymoron), and freedom, and the same rights that others have, and now I’ll have to fight just to survive. I’m tired. For over 20 years, I was on the front lines of bringing American paganism to the public eye. Taking it “out of the broom closet” and helping to educate the general public; showing that we’re not scary, evil, devil-worshipping freaks; that we’re just your neighbors with a different religious view. Some of that time was spent dispelling the views that all Witches are Wicca, that Wicca stands for all Pagans, and trying to live my life as a mother and wife and just plain human being while still working to stay safe from the very people I was trying to educate because crazies exist and I had a young child to protect.

Meh. Meh is – I’m terrified. The incoming administration is specifically tailoring itself to dismantle everything our country once stood for. Everything we’ve worked for, everything we thought we’d outgrown or moved past – tossed out like a quick Tweet from the fat fingers of the Orange One himself at 3 am. I don’t need to go into everything Trump is doing – many others have covered it better than I – but it’s utterly horrifying to wake up each day and see another way in which the United States of America is being dismantled before he’s even taken office. And what’s worse is that even should the Electoral College prove faithless and decide to elect Hillary Clinton: the damage is done. Trump’s candidacy has riled up a base of support so vile, loud and obviously willing to harm their fellow citizenry that a civil war is sure to break out. Pence? A Pence Presidency is sure to be as bad if not worse, as he actually BELIEVES everything he says. Trump is ignorant and insane but Pence isn’t. Pence is, to borrow a line from “Serenity”: “Because he’s a believer. He’s intelligent, methodical and devout in his belief that {…} is the right thing to do.”

Either way, our entire way of life is over. The new “normal” is waking up and seeing what disgusting thing ThePutz has tried to put over on the American people. Watching as fascism creeps into our democracy and some of the country cheer, some cry and yell and declare “never again” and some don’t seem to care either way. Hate crimes have risen since the election, and it’s not going to get better. It’s going to get worse. I’d like to say that it’s all going to be OK — but it’s not. No matter what happens, it’s not going to be OK, not for a long long time. Scholars will analyze this election and it’s ramifications for years to come; it’s going to rank up there with the rise to power of all those other awful people we learned about in school. And we’re going to be the ones LIVING with the fallout.

Meh. Meh is that fallout. Meh is the memory of a dream I had way back when I was 15 or so. A vision I thought was just due to all the nuclear bomb drills we had to do because it was the 1980’s and we were still in the the throes of the Cold War with the then-USSR and there was a very real fear of an actual nuclear war and we had to know how to survive it and live after the radiation burned out. We had movies and bomb shelters and I thought this dream was just my subconscious working out the fear of all that. But now I wonder if it’s another of those prophetic dreams of mine that come true (as far too many have. I hate that. I hate more that I have no knowledge of WHEN). But at this point – I’m too old, broken and tired to do anything more than stand outside and watch as the rockets come overhead if that’s what is to come.

Every single moment of every day is a chance to say: THIS IS NOT OK. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT HOW IT WORKS. Jailing people or revoking citizenship for burning the US Flag is a violation of the First Amendment of the US Constitution. Jailing women for a miscarriage is a violation of human rights. A Tweet storm by the President Elect decrying his win was rigged is NOT SANE. Wanting to hire the General that was fired for selling state secrets as Secretary of State is NOT NORMAL.

This is not OK. Not one bit.

It’s all so very “Meh”.





1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink

My theory on the Stein recount rigamarole. (I’m turning into a regular conspiracy theorist. I should start writing for the “alt-right” sites LOL)

(This was originally a comment on someone’s Facebook post. So it’s not as fleshed out as an actual blog post would be, but I’m not adding to it. It’s explaining what “CYA” means, and why I feel that Stein is doing it and thereby covering hers, and possibly Hillary’s. Trump’s ass is bulletproof at the moment. For now. Such is the way with politicians. Cover you own ass as the expense of those you purport to serve.)

The Stein campaign stands to gain nothing from this except perhaps some ground back from those voters they lost with her anti-vax stance and pro-Trump propaganda. I mean, the Green party went completely whacko there at the end. So by saying that the recount isn’t “for Hillary” or “against Trump” but “to make sure our election process is fair” or whatever is the claim — that’s how Stein’s ass is covered.

She’s not shilling for Hillary. She’s doing the country a service in general to verify the system works as it should and if it doesn’t, get it fixed.

Hillary’s ass is covered, because it’s not coming from her campaign, she’s not calling for recount and looking like a sore loser even though she has more popular votes than ANY CANDIDATE IN HISTORY.

Hell, even Trump’s foul orange ass is covered because you can bet he’s shitting in his didies that should this investigation turn up tampering, the calls didn’t come from his campaign. He already covered himself by SAYING BEFOREHAND that elections were rigged. He already said it, he told us, so he’s covered.

Everyone’s ass is covered, except the American people’s. We’re the only ones hanging out in the breeze, waiting to be shot straight through the keister.

We Survive, We Always Do

Last night, I started watching “The Man in the High Castle” on Amazon again. Consider it “research” on how to survive the coming years; and not just the next four, as the ramifications of this election will linger on well past my lifetime. Combine our political climate with that of Brexit and the resurgence of populist stances in France, the alleged meddling of Russia in our election and so forth…it just seems as if a sort of refresher course in how to survive under fascism seems prudent.

Sure, it’s fiction but science fiction writers like Philip K. Dick are astoundingly prescient in so many ways. Either that, or society seems to catch up to them making science fiction into science fact. (Personally, I really wish we’d catch up to Roddenberry. The world presented by Star Trek is my version of a utopia — I want to live in a future like that. Please Scotty, beam me up. Find a fold in the time-space continuum. I’ll even battle the Borg.)

In the episodes I watched last night, Season 1 eps 6-7, one of the characters Frank Frink, a part-Jewish man who unsuccessfully hid his Jewish ancestry and so his sister and her children were killed, meets with another Jewish man and his children. This family still practices their religion, which is forbidden (they live in the Pacific States, held by the Japanese) and they hold a Mitzvah for Frank, reciting the Kaddish, which finally allows him to surrender to his grief. At some point, Mark tells Frank that he is raising his children Jewish in defiance of the laws, because (I’m paraphrasing because I don’t remember it verbatim): This is who I am, this is who my ancestors were. You can’t live your life in fear. We were being murdered because we were less than human. We wrapped our weapons and buried them, vowing revenge, and ran. I’m raising my kids. Hitler, the Nazis…I don’t care how it looks. It won’t last. One thing about my people, we have a different sense of time. These may be dark years, but we’ll survive. We always do. You’ve just got to find something to hold onto. 

The bold part…that stuck with me. I’m not Jewish, not by religion. I wasn’t raised Jewish, I was raised Methodist. But on both sides of my family, I am of Ashkenazi descent. Both sides of my family have suffered as a results of WHO THEY ARE, because they were Jews. My mother’s paternal side: German Jews. My father’s paternal side: Russian Jews. The very idea that we survive, we always do rang out as if I was standing inside the Liberty Bell as it was struck.

Now the man was speaking about faith being what he holds onto. That’s not me. I have faith of a sort. But my Gods aren’t the kind that will comfort and protect me. I don’t have a book to look to for guidance or even a church/community to go to for words of wisdom. I’m the elder in some cases for many. I’m the one folks will often look to for comfort or guidance and shit, I got nothing right now. The High Priestess is just as angry and scared and utterly clueless as to how she’s going to manage to survive the coming storm, so yeah, I got nothing. Except a glimmer of hope from a reminder that came from a TV show that somewhere in my DNA is “we survive, we always do”.

It would probably be a lot more comforting if I knew the spiritual/religious rewards behind that survival. The “chosen people” and what that means but since I’m only ethnically Jewish but not a practicing Jew (nor do I plan to be – Yahweh hasn’t touched me but Lilith has…and I’m pretty sure Yahweh frowns upon that lol) it’s only my genetic makeup that will 1) cause me to continue to fight for survival and 2) be the reason that I HAVE to fight for survival should it come to the point where ethnic cleansing practices occur again. Because no matter how white I look, no matter how Gentile I can pass for…I have more than 50% Jewish blood. Plus you add in that whole “disabled, latinx, queer, pagan” thing going on.

These may be dark years, but we’ll survive. We always do. You’ve just got to find something to hold onto. 

Find something to hold onto. Whatever that may be for you … find it. Hold onto it. These are going to be some dark years, even if by some chance the election results are overturned and Trump ends up back under the rock he crawled out from under — his legions of white supremacist believers have been empowered and the fight against such darkness has just begun.


It’s Decided

I deactivated my main Facebook profile for a few days, as I really needed to get away from all the vitriol and noise. I have one that’s for managing my business page, and it has a few friends on it and I still have my Twitter account so it’s not been quiet per se — I just haven’t seen a lot of the back-and-forth between my liberal friends angry about all of Trump’s latest appointments to his Reichstag and the conservatives decrying “…whites discriminated against almost daily just for being white.” (I…can’t…even…)

So while it’s been quieter, it’s not been utterly silent. What HAS been silent are those conservative “friends” that voted for Trump for reasons other than the hateful parts of his platform. Not a word. I don’t see any of them decrying his appointments of white supremacists, or speaking out against the utter corruption being unearthed daily as he goes about mixing corporate business with National business.

The silence is deafening. Every day, my country is looking more and more like a modern recreation of Nazi Germany and the enablers are silent or worse — cheering for it or acting as if THEY are the ones being oppressed. It stops now.

I’ve made up my mind. All contact with those that voted for Trump and continue to support this incoming administration, either by overtly supporting it or by remaining silent enablers are out of my life for good. I cannot in good conscience keep them even at arms’ length — not because of rescue, or because I’ve known them for a long time or because I might need them for some reason. I don’t use people — if I have a need, I will find someone whose values and beliefs support me, not oppress me and pay/use their services instead. If my very very small business suffers, so be it. It’s called Collar KARMA for a reason and I refuse to stain that Karma by purposefully ignoring fascism just so I can make a dollar or two.

So — here’s your chance, “friends”. Say something.  Send a text, a PM, call me. Send me a smoke signal. Tell me you are just as horrified by what you’re seeing and you’re willing to fight and defend me and those targeted by the new Fourth Reich. You’ll be forgiven the mistake of making this tyrant our next President, if you fight the tyranny he attempts to put in place of our American values.

And for those that are saying, “You’re willing to let politics end friendships?” Yes, yes I am. Because a difference of opinion in how I view our country’s economy or education or military spending or college tuition is politics.  What’s going on right now and in the immediate future is beyond politics. It’s a fundamental difference in worldviews and values and MY right to live as a human being.  That’s definitely a friendship-ending kind of difference, y’think?



My Internal Struggle

As a Witch, I am used to being a person of action. We are those that Do. We create and weave the spells that Make Things Happen. Our Work is in connection with our feelings, or those for whom we are working for, so emotions aren’t suppressed or repressed but felt fully and embraced. Sadness, anger, happiness, love — all of them given equal reverence.

As a Witch, I can rage and scream and hurl curses and hexes if I so desire just as I can sing and chant and send healing and protection. As a Witch, my ultimate goal is balance – light and dark as One. There can be no light with darkness, no darkness without light. Together, they are Whole.

The Witch in me is raging. The Witch in me is still screaming. The Witch in me wants Action, wants to hurl curses and hexes or at the very least – DO SOMETHING.

The Buddhist in me seeks peace. The Buddhist in me seeks compassion and understanding and wants to find a way to look upon those that chose to harm me with that compassion. I’m *supposed* to love them, even though they hate me. I’m *supposed* to have compassion for their suffering, because their suffering is the reason they have no compassion for mine and why they are causing suffering to others.

The Buddhist in me wants to sit and contemplate ways to put more peace and love into the Universe in the hopes that it’ll fall where it’s supposed to go and light the way out of the darkness.

The Buddhist in me is crying. The  Buddhist in me is looking around and wondering, “how can I help, what can I do, why,”

The Witch in me is pragmatic, while the Buddhist in me is idealistic. Both of them ultimately hope and believe in love over hate, good over evil, giving more than taking.

Right now, the Witch side is winning. She is raging and angry, protesting and raring to fight back when threatened. She is telling my Buddhist side to sit down and shut up and let the Work happen that needs to happen.

I’m inclined to listen.

When I need to find peace and calm myself, when I need to find balance and quiet the storms — the Buddhist rises and drags me, occasionally kicking and screaming, to find a moment or two of Zen. So that I can rage again.


A Be(n)dtime Story

A few years ago, friends and I were discussing the increase of Islamic terrorism after the attacks of 9/11. (I am from NY and will spare you my 9/11 story. Suffice it to say, I still suffer the occasional PTSD from it.) Being pagans, we often talked about the “big three” – the Abrahamic religions and how they behaved toward each other, and I made the wisecrack that Islam was the newest and so, “it’s just their turn”.

“After all, the old pagan religions of pre-history fought with each other. But they had sticks and rocks. Then humans  graduated to swords and spears and catapults. The early Jews and Christians had their crusades and wars with those weapons. It’s Islam’s turn and it’s only more terrifying because the technology has advanced.”

What was meant to be sort of a light-hearted toss-off ended up being a sobering realization. And lately, the pessimist in me is seeing an even more distressing pattern.

Pessimist? You?? What? Wait. Yeah, me. I know, I’m usually the one that’s all,
“Go, go, gadget humanity. Peace love and happiness. Namaste, y’all.” But I’m going to be honest here, I really don’t have a lot of love for humanity as a species. Certain people are great. But as a whole? Humanity — Son, I am disappoint. We can be so incredibly inspiring, creative, kind, loving and uplifting. We’ve made amazing advances in medicine and technology and art … oh, the ART we have created. Music. So much music, so many kinds of music. Poetry. Literature. Paintings. Sculpture. Photography. We’ve explored SPACE for fuck’s sake. We have a robot on MARS sending back photos, and a satellite on the outer edges of our solar system still communicating with us.

There have been people like Siddhartha Gautama; Mahatma Gandhi; Jesus of Nazareth; Mohammed; the Dalai Lama; Confucius and Lao Tzu and  Desmond Tutu all singing the praises of peace and the belief in a higher consciousness and attaining enlightenment. And yet we still fall prey to the Genghis Khans, the Hitlers, the Kim Jong Ils, the Osama Bin Ladens and the Donald Trumps.

I tell ya, it’s hard to be a person of love and peace when faced by so much hatred and war ALL THE TIME. Humanity, as a species, are doomed. I’m truly beginning to believe it. It must be why I love movies about apocalypse and worldwide destruction. Even the awful Michael Bay ones. (Sometimes especially the awful Michael Bay ones — the louder and more bombastic the better. Blow it all up. Start over.) I can’t recall which movie it was (sci-fi) where the alien species told us that humans are the virus that must be eradicated for the Earth to survive. (The Day The Earth Stood Still perhaps? It’s probably more than one, really.) We’ve been trying to destroy ourselves since we learned to walk on two legs and we’ve been trying to destroy our planet as well.

Maybe this really is it. The Mayans were right. The doomsday cults are right. The end times ARE near. We just elected a President that doesn’t believe in science, that has a white nationalist as one of his main advisors, has the KKK supporting him and you know that ISIL is sure as heck going to use his election as their excuse (like they need one) to escalate their attacks and now the USA is no longer the nation the world looks to for inspiration or support but looks at with skepticism and fear.

Maybe it needs to happen. After all, massive forest fires result in massive growth. The cataclysm that killed off the dinosaurs resulted in the emergence of mammals and other species. Maybe it’s time that the dominant species on this planet finally kills themselves off, and the planet is given time to heal herself from all the damage we’ve caused to her and allow some other species to rise from the ashes. Cetaceans are smart. They might survive in the oceans. Or maybe some other type of critter would arise from the sludge that’s left and hopefully have some residual DNA memory and not make the same mistakes we’ve made. Over and over and over and over and OVER again.

Humanity. What a bunch of maroons. nfnet7yvtozx0cv7ze3mplzpo1_500