Morning Battles

I lie on my side, cradling the fragile little being I love

To protect her from the battle going on behind me.

Listening to the noise, cringing as they clash

Hoping they don’t hit me, or her.

But if they come close, I’m here to protect her from harm

My strong body will shield her.

It’s quieting down. They’re slowing the attacks.

One by one, the aggressors are retreating

Each one lies back down, panting, chests heaving with effort

The puppy has been appeased. The dogs are ready to go back to sleep.

And my old fragile chihuahua has been protected from the morning melee.

I agree, Pix. It’s way too early for this shit.

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Three Years Later

 

CW: suicide talk

It’s been three years since my rebirthday and this is what I’ve learned:

Today is the 3rd anniversary of my re-birth. My FB memories for this day are deactivated because I don’t want to remember what I said or did — but it’s still an important reminder to me to LIVE every day. I faced the abyss 3 years ago — dived in…and got spit back out. “Not now”. So now I live and celebrate each day as best I can.

November is a weird month because of this — I’m aware of the encroaching “here we go — it’s THAT day but also holidays and …” And every November since, unconsciously, I seem to go and do something life-affirming. The first year after, I helped Ralph with Bandit and LadyBug and gained a new family. The second year, I adopted Pix. This year, I’m fostering Amada. So I’m alive, thriving (so to speak) and sharing it with others.

Thanksgiving has become a lightning rod holiday not unlike Columbus Day due to the mistreatment of Native Americans, both historically and just last year at the pipeline protests. But for me it’s personal. I am TRULY THANKFUL because I am still here. I’m not always — it’s true. Sometimes I’m still fucking pissed off that I have to watch my world implode and all the fires around me. I couldn’t just go out the way *I* chose. But still, I have now chosen the path of compassion and love and am doing the very best I can. One day, one life, one heartbeat at a time.

Love and life. Namaste and peace. These things have true and serious meaning to me. They are not fluffy buffy unicorn fart concepts. They are what my life is for and why I was pulled back from the abyss.

They are why I am here.

I just came back from a session with my therapist (talk about a coincidental appointment scheduling, huh? I didn’t MEAN to accept this date — I moved the original one due to having my wisdom teeth removed the day before my original appointment).

And when she asked how I was, I answered, “Well, kinda weird. I can’t really explain how I feel today because it’s both my death day, and my rebirth-day.” And then I showed her my FB post from which this blog post is based.

I’ve learned not to attach to others. Or attach to their perception of me. To live my life with as much kindness and love as I can put out, not worrying whether I’ll get it back (I won’t) because that’s not the point. To strive to leave every person feeling better for having talked with me, even if only for a brief moment.

To breathe. Fully and deeply. To love with the entirety of my soul. And to forgive those that have hurt me (still working on that — that’s a tough one because oh…i’ve been hurt so deeply and i’m human and get so mad).

That humans are deeply and fundamentally flawed. And yet we are some of the most creative and purposeful beings to have ever graced this planet. As disappointed as I am in the human race as of late — I still have hope that someday we will rise above our baser instincts and find the loving purpose of which we were put here to achieve. There has to be one, else why would we have evolved to be able to create such beautiful music and art?

There’s probably a lot more I could say — but the dogs are looking at me to play — and they are the purest souls and while I love y’all — I do love them more. Namaste.