When the Helper Forgets to Help Themself

I am a Terrible Journaler/Blogger.

I am absolutely AWFUL and doing anything good for myself.

WHy is that?

Seriously. I’d love to answer this. Give me a deadline, ask me to do something, and I’ll promise it to you and have it to you within that deadline, likely before it. But for myself? Nope.

If I had to write a blog entry for someone else’s blog — I’d write it. But for my own? OBVIOUSLY, it doesn’t happen. I fail every time. I have no internal motivation, no resolve.

The sticky notes around my house offer no real encouragement. I look at them and shrug them off.

they do not work

WHY? why is that? What’s wrong with me?

I take GREAT care of other people. Of other beings. Of THINGS.

Why do I care so poorly about myself? It’s not just the blog/journal. It’s everything. I don’t do yoga on a daily, almost daily or weekly basis. I do it…meh, when I feel like it. (Or sign into the Zoom class.) I don’t exercise like I MUST to stay healthy. I don’t meditate like I should. The dress pattern (AND FABRIC) I bought to make FOR MYSELF has sat there for TWO YEARS.

yeah, yeah — just give yourself a deadline, you’ll say.
it won’t work. I’ve tried.

I’ve been on disability for so many years, with no structure, no “boss”, no motivation, no outside pressure or need to “accomplish” anything or DO anything for so long now, I’ve become SLOTH.

Totally cuter than I am, too.
Photo by Roxanne Minnish on Pexels.com

I have a small business making dog collars on Etsy. Not much. Not enough to live on, or even potentially take away my small Disability payments. Could I maybe make it profitable? Maybe, if I worked REALLY HARD AT IT. But (there’s that BUT), I also know that my body and it’s finicky way of breaking down when I need it to work most will likely dash any dreams of that, so I don’t even bother trying. THAT, I know is a wise decision.

But for fuck’s sake, Jax. WHAT THE HELL.

WHY am I giving in to sloth? I have never been a lazy, layabout type of person.

Why am I allowing myself to wallow. And for so long.

And how do I fix this?