Finding my Voice in the Fog

When you have fibro, you lose your mind. Fibro fog takes EVERYTHING from you. I used to be a wordsmith. A master communicator. I could express myself in so many ways — spoken, written, in dance, in song.

Now I struggle to even say the simplest of things. To get across even the simplest of ideas. I stumble over my words and sound stupid or say the totally wrong thing– it comes out so very wrong because I couldn’t find the right words in the jumbled up mess in my head … I KNOW what I want to get across but the words…they’re…somewhere….hiding from me. No, not that one, not that one, that one will sort of work? OK, I’ll have to use it because I can’t think of the right one.

I once couldn’t remember the word for “tire”. I had to describe it.

And dammit if it’s not frustrating as hell. I get frustrated because I end up having to explain myself over and over, trying to explain what I mean when all I had to say was ONE WORD or IDEA in the first place — but it’s right there…out of reach.

And my frustration sometimes gets taken out on others too. How many people have I lashed out at because I’m mad at myself? How many people have gotten angry with me because I’ve said the wrong thing, and then start babbling, trying too hard to make up for my “stupidity” when I’m just…well….not being mindful.

Mindful that I’ve lost that part of myself. Mindful that I need to slow down, listen, take my time. Process. It’s OK….maybe I don’t need to say anything in that moment. Be quiet. Even if someone asks me for my opinion, they don’t need it right that moment if my words aren’t there. I can still yell “FIRE!!!!!” in case of emergency.

But I must slow down. Accept that this damned disease has taken from me everything precious, and I must protect what’s left by being mindful of it. The words are there, somewhere. They’re not lost, just hidden in the fog. They’ll come. I have to give them time.

The fog does clear, after all. Clear days happen more often than not. So why do I continue to fight the fog? (Part of the #BalanceIntention series for 2021)

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