Mexican Standoff

I’ve apparently had a Mexican standoff going on in my home for the past couple of days, and I wasn’t even aware that the parties involved had any beef with each other. This does not bode well for the admittedly slightly uneasy equilibrium of my household.

Per Wikipedia, “A Mexican standoff is a confrontation in which no strategy exists that allows any party to achieve victory.[1][2] Any party initiating aggression might trigger their own demise. At the same time, the parties are unable to extricate themselves from the situation without suffering a loss. As a result, all participants need to maintain the strategic tension, which remains unresolved until some outside event makes it possible to resolve it.”

Outside event. That doesn’t sound promising.

The Parties:

In this corner we have Cocoa:

That “thing” hanging there is extra skin. It happens when you lose 10+ pounds. That’s like a human losing 100 lbs!

Cocoa is a 14 year old blue and fawn Chihuahua I adopted two years ago after her human went into hospice care. She was once 26 lbs! That’s why you see that extra skin hanging there — she’s now a svelte 13-14 lbs (she’s a large framed chi to begin with, and should really be closer to 10-12 lbs but the extra skin weighs a bit). I fixed her color dilution alopecia problems, her busted thyroid and she’s thriving now. She got used to being in a household with my two larger dogs as well.

Taken while I was doing her nails. Just chillin’

She’s pretty chill, and mostly just doesn’t care much about anything except feeding time. She’s still very much an obese dog in a thinner dogs body. (This is not about body-shaming, obesity in pets is NOT COOL. It’s dangerous, it’s abusive, FIGHT ME.) Anyway — she’s chill.

And in this corner, it’s Smokey.

At the Animal League of Birmingham’s Next Hot Dog Contest. He placed 2nd in the “Sassiest Senior” category. I thought he was pretty dapper in his hat. Only had him for 2 mos at this point.

Smokey also came to me when his person was in hospice, last year. He’s now 16 years old and he’s quite the feisty old fellow. He was also an only dog, very loved, and is used to be spoiled rotten. He HATES Joker, 11 year old pit bull, who tolerates it with his usual grace and aplomb (he looks upon these chis like they’re puppies, and puppies can do no wrong). After a year in my home, we’ve mostly worked out the kinks with Smokey – he’s got a few weird issues but he’s really a charmer and quite lovable, once you get to know him. And, he’s 16 years old. I mean…dude. You should SEE him tear around the house, jump up into the chair, it’s amazing.

He acts much younger than his 16 years. Don’t let that silver face fool you.

For the past year and a bit, they’ve gotten along. They weren’t **friends** but, you know, they hanged.

Old eyes, staring out at you.

They dealt with being in the stroller together.

I’m pretty sure someone had food.

They did the Santa Claus thing.

At our local pharmacy. Yes, they let me bring my littles in with me, all the time.

 So believe me when I say to you that when I heard growling from behind me last night, I paid it no mind. I thought it was Smokey growling at Joker again. I continued doing my work, knowing that Joker would just go to the other side of the couch. But then the growling continued, and I realized it was a different pitch, not the usual “smokey” pitch. (Hence his name, he sounds like he’s been smoking too many cigars and drinking too much whiskey. Raspy, harsh, the dude’s an old jazz man from N’awlin’s down on his luck, looking for a place to hang his hat in his golden years…that’s my imaginary backstory for him.)

I look behind me, and see Cocoa and Smokey: Cocoa is sitting on the pillow with the heating pad, ears set back, clearly saying, “This is MY spot.” Smokey is standing sideways to her, at an angle, ears up, trying to get her to move. Anyone who studies dog behavior can see that this is clear aggression, he is trying to force her to either share or move completely. Cocoa’s lip is curled and she is snarling and growling, and her whole body is tensed. I’ve never seen her this mad. I’ve never seen Smokey want that pillow that much either.

“WHAT IS GOING ON?!” I thunder. They stop and look at me. I settle Cocoa down, bring Smokey onto his *preferred* seating (my lap) and go back to work, thinking that was odd but it’s over now.

Then at dinner time, the usual juggling of the dinner dishes, watching over Smokey so he can finish in peace and neither Joker nor Cocoa will push him away before he’s finished (there is a fourth dog, who has NO PLAY in this at all, smart girl). I’m cleaning up, and from the hall, more little growling. Again: the standoff. Smokey is hassling Cocoa again. Usually at mealtimes it’s the other way around. He’s all up her butt, sniffing at her like he’s “interested” in her. What the…. and she snaps at him and lumbers off.

Now, you might be saying to yourselves – so what, chihuahuas arguing, big deal.


Cocoa, with her past weight issues has major arthritis and while she walks and runs, it’s not without problems. She has a “hitch in her giddy-up” so to speak. Her teeth are better since she’s eating raw but they’re not great. She’s not fast. Her eyesight is fading, and quickly. Smokey also has arthritis, has fast-growing cataracts and while he ACTS like he’s a young man, he’s not. His teeth are perfect but c’mon…an old Chihuahua battle? Really?

Over….what? I have no idea what’s going on between these two. And just this morning, it started again over on the couch. I snagged Smokey and am writing this with him snugged against me in the chair so Cocoa can lie peacefully on the pillow. She didn’t want to sit with me while HE had the pillow earlier. *rolls eyes*

Clearly, they’re going to need to work this out without hurting each other. I can’t afford the vet bills if they do. I never in a million years thought I would have to separate my ELDERLY CHIHUAHUAS when I left the house to avoid bloodshed. But just in case, Cocoa and Joker in one room; Smokey and Gypsy Kale (the good one) in another.

Because that “outside event” part of the Mexican standoff? They’re both old, but in good health. I’m not looking for either one to kick it anytime soon. In a house full of senior dogs, death isn’t an option we look FORWARD to.


Obama Ringtones

Originally posted from Regretsy (oh…how you are missed):
3 years ago, I made an awesome discovery: the audiobook version of Barack Obama’s Dreams From My Father.
The main draw of the audiobook is that it’s actually narrated by Obama. It’s interesting to hear him imitate the voices of some of the people that have been important in his life. Like Ray, for example.
Ray, a former high school classmate, was savvy and streetwise, with a new take on black culture and white America. Best of all, Ray had an extremely colorful manner of self-expression. In other words, he cursed. A lot.
That means the President curses. A lot.
In fact you’re about to hear the POTUS swear like a motherfucker.
When I first posted these, about 8 months before I started Regretsy, I got over 30 million hits and a lot of hate mail. So before you decide to write me a long boring email I’ll need help to read, ask yourself one thing:

Which one is your new ringtone? 
(I have added what they say in parenthesis so you can choose whether you really want it. Because when this comes out over your phone in mixed company…well…you can imagine.)

White Folks (“There are white folks, and then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you.”)

You Can Have My Number (“Sure you can have my number baby”)

Nothin’ on Me (“Now you know that guy ain’t shit. Sorry ass motherfucker ain’t got nothin’ on me, right? Nothin’.”)

Too Complicated  (“This shit’s  getting way too complicated to me”)

Buy Your Own  Fries (“You ain’t my bitch, nigga. Buy your own damn fries”)


A Nice Daydream

via Gina St. Phillips, a Nasty Pantsuited Woman

I’ve been having a wonderful daydream in which President Obama invites President Elect Trump and Melania Trump to live at the White House as his guests for a week, during which time Donald Trump remains at Obama’s side every moment he is on the job. At the end of that time, Trump has a rare moment of self-awareness and realizes there is no way in hell he can do this job. Trump resigns, Melania sighs in relief (and spends the next six months at a spa in a cloister), and Mike Pence becomes President Elect,
but then….

Mike Pence is caught meeting with his gay lover who is also a skilled and compassionate doctor (with terrible taste in men) who performs life-saving emergency abortions, and Pence resigns like the hypocrite he is, thereby making Paul Ryan President Elect, but then…

Paul Ryan is caught with Anthony Weiner attempting to expose themselves at a child’s birthday party, (which would have been traumatizing for the kids if it weren’t for the fast thinking of a clown who quickly covered the offending areas with balloon animals). Giggling hysterically while his booking photos are taken, Paul Ryan resigns, thereby making Orrin Hatch President Elect, but then…

Orrin Hatch takes a long look around and says, “to heck with this mess, I’m retiring,” thereby making John Kerry President Elect.

Immediate crisis averted.

Four years later…

John Kerry chooses not to seek the nomination of the Democratic party for a second term and in a rout against Marco Rubio, Hillary Clinton becomes the first woman to be President of the United States of America.

Donald Trump opens Trumpland Amusement Park (using Chinese steel and undocumented Mexican workers) but he has to sell the project to Disney in order to pay off his debt to the IRS.

Melania Trump writes an original best-selling novel called “Scruples.”

Mike Pence divorces, marries the doctor, and together they tour the country in support of a progressive agenda.

Paul Ryan still insists his rhinoceros was larger than Anthony Weiner’s giraffe.

Orrin Hatch golfs in a league with President Obama.

EDIT: I’m overwhelmed by all the positive feedback, thank you Pantsuit Nation! Some of you have asked to share this off the group. I hereby give blanket permission with credit, and I really appreciate the courtesy! – Gina