He’s Gonna Blow Us All Up

Inspired by this blog post: https://infinite-coincidence.com/2017/01/22/donald-trump-is-going-to-snap-very-soon-and-here-is-how-i-know/


I’ve said before — and I know it’s not the most popular thought or opinion but … it’s entirely possible that the best thing for THE PLANET is for the human race to extinguish itself. We’ve had millions of years to get it right, and we keep screwing up. Look at what’s happening here. We thought we’d moved past so much of this.

The planet, Earth, will survive even a nuclear disaster. The most intense periods of growth come after devastating fires. It’ll take years, more time than any of us can outlive in the best bunkers. And another species may be the ones that become the dominant species on Earth. Maybe cetaceans (dolphins and whales). They have the largest mammalian brains and DO NOT WAR with other species or even within their own species. They have language, and culture within pods. Or the cockroaches are waiting, biding their time….

The EARTH will survive us.

And if that scenario is too doom-and-gloom — my ideal society is the one shown in Star Trek, where humanity is risen above petty wars over religion and race and doesn’t even use money anymore. No, we reach for the stars and explore the universe. But remember what it took to get there? A NUCLEAR CATACLYSMIC WAR. The survivors built a warp-capable ship from the remnants of a nuclear missile and got the attention of Vulcan’s passing by the rock full of barely-literate monkeys. (I know it’s science fiction but we have iPads now. Star Trek had ’em first. Roddenberry was truly before his time and that society is utter utopia, truly, for people that think science AND art AND religion AND humanities can all coexist without killing each other.)

Doesn’t mean I’m going to sit back and let it happen but the simple truth of the matter is: we’ve been given our chance, over and over and over for millennia and the goddamned neanderdouches keep dragging us back into the caves.

Image result for star trek roddenberry

You Kept Me Here For This?

Two years ago, I attempted suicide. Failed, spectacularly (unless this is all a dream upon my death bed, which would explain A LOT and if so, I’m truly sorry to all that are experiencing the horrors of my subconscious) and the entire saga of my hospitalization and subsequent recovery is available publicly on my Facebook starting here: https://www.facebook.com/notes/jackie-beltaine/anatomy-of-a-nervous-breakdown/10153338627833098 because I believe that mental illness is not something to hide and if my story helps one person, then it’s worth any potential embarassment.

Part of why I did it is because I didn’t want to live the way I’m living now: in poverty, struggling to survive on SS disability; with a chronic pain condition that keeps me from enjoying what little I *can* do and now with our current political climate it seems as if things are only going to get worse for people like me.

I posted this earlier to my Facebook, along with the link to the New York Times article referencing Trump’s EPA pick.


I’ve kind of gotten to the “Acceptance” stage of grief, if grieving is what I am doing. I guess I am. I’m grieving the end of life as I’ve known it, the end of my country, potentially the end of the world since Trumpelthinskin has gone against all diplomatic advice and practices in his interactions with heads of state of other countries. It’s just…baffling. I’m no longer surprised, just resigned that each new day will bring some new ridiculous tweet or appointment.

And I have to wonder…why did the Universe spit me back out when I tried to end things on my terms? For this? Had I not suffered enough? Did I have to TRULY suffer first?

I tell you what — should it come to an actual war, I shall sit outside and watch the bombs fall. I’m too old, tired and in pain to bother with my old “I’ll never give up, fight to survive” bullshit. I’ll hug my dogs close, shut my eyes and let the blast take us.

SMH. And here I keep fighting off the cockroaches. I should let them have my house. They’re gonna end up inheriting the entire world anyway.

I’m So Tired

I was chatting with a friend, and she asked how I was. “Meh”, was my reply. “What’s ‘meh’?”

Meh. Meh is – I’m tired. So tired of fighting for peace (it’s not an oxymoron), and freedom, and the same rights that others have, and now I’ll have to fight just to survive. I’m tired. For over 20 years, I was on the front lines of bringing American paganism to the public eye. Taking it “out of the broom closet” and helping to educate the general public; showing that we’re not scary, evil, devil-worshipping freaks; that we’re just your neighbors with a different religious view. Some of that time was spent dispelling the views that all Witches are Wicca, that Wicca stands for all Pagans, and trying to live my life as a mother and wife and just plain human being while still working to stay safe from the very people I was trying to educate because crazies exist and I had a young child to protect.

Meh. Meh is – I’m terrified. The incoming administration is specifically tailoring itself to dismantle everything our country once stood for. Everything we’ve worked for, everything we thought we’d outgrown or moved past – tossed out like a quick Tweet from the fat fingers of the Orange One himself at 3 am. I don’t need to go into everything Trump is doing – many others have covered it better than I – but it’s utterly horrifying to wake up each day and see another way in which the United States of America is being dismantled before he’s even taken office. And what’s worse is that even should the Electoral College prove faithless and decide to elect Hillary Clinton: the damage is done. Trump’s candidacy has riled up a base of support so vile, loud and obviously willing to harm their fellow citizenry that a civil war is sure to break out. Pence? A Pence Presidency is sure to be as bad if not worse, as he actually BELIEVES everything he says. Trump is ignorant and insane but Pence isn’t. Pence is, to borrow a line from “Serenity”: “Because he’s a believer. He’s intelligent, methodical and devout in his belief that {…} is the right thing to do.”

Either way, our entire way of life is over. The new “normal” is waking up and seeing what disgusting thing ThePutz has tried to put over on the American people. Watching as fascism creeps into our democracy and some of the country cheer, some cry and yell and declare “never again” and some don’t seem to care either way. Hate crimes have risen since the election, and it’s not going to get better. It’s going to get worse. I’d like to say that it’s all going to be OK — but it’s not. No matter what happens, it’s not going to be OK, not for a long long time. Scholars will analyze this election and it’s ramifications for years to come; it’s going to rank up there with the rise to power of all those other awful people we learned about in school. And we’re going to be the ones LIVING with the fallout.

Meh. Meh is that fallout. Meh is the memory of a dream I had way back when I was 15 or so. A vision I thought was just due to all the nuclear bomb drills we had to do because it was the 1980’s and we were still in the the throes of the Cold War with the then-USSR and there was a very real fear of an actual nuclear war and we had to know how to survive it and live after the radiation burned out. We had movies and bomb shelters and I thought this dream was just my subconscious working out the fear of all that. But now I wonder if it’s another of those prophetic dreams of mine that come true (as far too many have. I hate that. I hate more that I have no knowledge of WHEN). But at this point – I’m too old, broken and tired to do anything more than stand outside and watch as the rockets come overhead if that’s what is to come.

Every single moment of every day is a chance to say: THIS IS NOT OK. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT HOW IT WORKS. Jailing people or revoking citizenship for burning the US Flag is a violation of the First Amendment of the US Constitution. Jailing women for a miscarriage is a violation of human rights. A Tweet storm by the President Elect decrying his win was rigged is NOT SANE. Wanting to hire the General that was fired for selling state secrets as Secretary of State is NOT NORMAL.

This is not OK. Not one bit.

It’s all so very “Meh”.




We Survive, We Always Do

Last night, I started watching “The Man in the High Castle” on Amazon again. Consider it “research” on how to survive the coming years; and not just the next four, as the ramifications of this election will linger on well past my lifetime. Combine our political climate with that of Brexit and the resurgence of populist stances in France, the alleged meddling of Russia in our election and so forth…it just seems as if a sort of refresher course in how to survive under fascism seems prudent.

Sure, it’s fiction but science fiction writers like Philip K. Dick are astoundingly prescient in so many ways. Either that, or society seems to catch up to them making science fiction into science fact. (Personally, I really wish we’d catch up to Roddenberry. The world presented by Star Trek is my version of a utopia — I want to live in a future like that. Please Scotty, beam me up. Find a fold in the time-space continuum. I’ll even battle the Borg.)

In the episodes I watched last night, Season 1 eps 6-7, one of the characters Frank Frink, a part-Jewish man who unsuccessfully hid his Jewish ancestry and so his sister and her children were killed, meets with another Jewish man and his children. This family still practices their religion, which is forbidden (they live in the Pacific States, held by the Japanese) and they hold a Mitzvah for Frank, reciting the Kaddish, which finally allows him to surrender to his grief. At some point, Mark tells Frank that he is raising his children Jewish in defiance of the laws, because (I’m paraphrasing because I don’t remember it verbatim): This is who I am, this is who my ancestors were. You can’t live your life in fear. We were being murdered because we were less than human. We wrapped our weapons and buried them, vowing revenge, and ran. I’m raising my kids. Hitler, the Nazis…I don’t care how it looks. It won’t last. One thing about my people, we have a different sense of time. These may be dark years, but we’ll survive. We always do. You’ve just got to find something to hold onto. 

The bold part…that stuck with me. I’m not Jewish, not by religion. I wasn’t raised Jewish, I was raised Methodist. But on both sides of my family, I am of Ashkenazi descent. Both sides of my family have suffered as a results of WHO THEY ARE, because they were Jews. My mother’s paternal side: German Jews. My father’s paternal side: Russian Jews. The very idea that we survive, we always do rang out as if I was standing inside the Liberty Bell as it was struck.

Now the man was speaking about faith being what he holds onto. That’s not me. I have faith of a sort. But my Gods aren’t the kind that will comfort and protect me. I don’t have a book to look to for guidance or even a church/community to go to for words of wisdom. I’m the elder in some cases for many. I’m the one folks will often look to for comfort or guidance and shit, I got nothing right now. The High Priestess is just as angry and scared and utterly clueless as to how she’s going to manage to survive the coming storm, so yeah, I got nothing. Except a glimmer of hope from a reminder that came from a TV show that somewhere in my DNA is “we survive, we always do”.

It would probably be a lot more comforting if I knew the spiritual/religious rewards behind that survival. The “chosen people” and what that means but since I’m only ethnically Jewish but not a practicing Jew (nor do I plan to be – Yahweh hasn’t touched me but Lilith has…and I’m pretty sure Yahweh frowns upon that lol) it’s only my genetic makeup that will 1) cause me to continue to fight for survival and 2) be the reason that I HAVE to fight for survival should it come to the point where ethnic cleansing practices occur again. Because no matter how white I look, no matter how Gentile I can pass for…I have more than 50% Jewish blood. Plus you add in that whole “disabled, latinx, queer, pagan” thing going on.

These may be dark years, but we’ll survive. We always do. You’ve just got to find something to hold onto. 

Find something to hold onto. Whatever that may be for you … find it. Hold onto it. These are going to be some dark years, even if by some chance the election results are overturned and Trump ends up back under the rock he crawled out from under — his legions of white supremacist believers have been empowered and the fight against such darkness has just begun.


A Be(n)dtime Story

A few years ago, friends and I were discussing the increase of Islamic terrorism after the attacks of 9/11. (I am from NY and will spare you my 9/11 story. Suffice it to say, I still suffer the occasional PTSD from it.) Being pagans, we often talked about the “big three” – the Abrahamic religions and how they behaved toward each other, and I made the wisecrack that Islam was the newest and so, “it’s just their turn”.

“After all, the old pagan religions of pre-history fought with each other. But they had sticks and rocks. Then humans  graduated to swords and spears and catapults. The early Jews and Christians had their crusades and wars with those weapons. It’s Islam’s turn and it’s only more terrifying because the technology has advanced.”

What was meant to be sort of a light-hearted toss-off ended up being a sobering realization. And lately, the pessimist in me is seeing an even more distressing pattern.

Pessimist? You?? What? Wait. Yeah, me. I know, I’m usually the one that’s all,
“Go, go, gadget humanity. Peace love and happiness. Namaste, y’all.” But I’m going to be honest here, I really don’t have a lot of love for humanity as a species. Certain people are great. But as a whole? Humanity — Son, I am disappoint. We can be so incredibly inspiring, creative, kind, loving and uplifting. We’ve made amazing advances in medicine and technology and art … oh, the ART we have created. Music. So much music, so many kinds of music. Poetry. Literature. Paintings. Sculpture. Photography. We’ve explored SPACE for fuck’s sake. We have a robot on MARS sending back photos, and a satellite on the outer edges of our solar system still communicating with us.

There have been people like Siddhartha Gautama; Mahatma Gandhi; Jesus of Nazareth; Mohammed; the Dalai Lama; Confucius and Lao Tzu and  Desmond Tutu all singing the praises of peace and the belief in a higher consciousness and attaining enlightenment. And yet we still fall prey to the Genghis Khans, the Hitlers, the Kim Jong Ils, the Osama Bin Ladens and the Donald Trumps.

I tell ya, it’s hard to be a person of love and peace when faced by so much hatred and war ALL THE TIME. Humanity, as a species, are doomed. I’m truly beginning to believe it. It must be why I love movies about apocalypse and worldwide destruction. Even the awful Michael Bay ones. (Sometimes especially the awful Michael Bay ones — the louder and more bombastic the better. Blow it all up. Start over.) I can’t recall which movie it was (sci-fi) where the alien species told us that humans are the virus that must be eradicated for the Earth to survive. (The Day The Earth Stood Still perhaps? It’s probably more than one, really.) We’ve been trying to destroy ourselves since we learned to walk on two legs and we’ve been trying to destroy our planet as well.

Maybe this really is it. The Mayans were right. The doomsday cults are right. The end times ARE near. We just elected a President that doesn’t believe in science, that has a white nationalist as one of his main advisors, has the KKK supporting him and you know that ISIL is sure as heck going to use his election as their excuse (like they need one) to escalate their attacks and now the USA is no longer the nation the world looks to for inspiration or support but looks at with skepticism and fear.

Maybe it needs to happen. After all, massive forest fires result in massive growth. The cataclysm that killed off the dinosaurs resulted in the emergence of mammals and other species. Maybe it’s time that the dominant species on this planet finally kills themselves off, and the planet is given time to heal herself from all the damage we’ve caused to her and allow some other species to rise from the ashes. Cetaceans are smart. They might survive in the oceans. Or maybe some other type of critter would arise from the sludge that’s left and hopefully have some residual DNA memory and not make the same mistakes we’ve made. Over and over and over and over and OVER again.

Humanity. What a bunch of maroons. nfnet7yvtozx0cv7ze3mplzpo1_500