I lie on my side, cradling the fragile little being I love
To protect her from the battle going on behind me.
Listening to the noise, cringing as they clash
Hoping they don’t hit me, or her.
But if they come close, I’m here to protect her from harm
My strong body will shield her.
It’s quieting down. They’re slowing the attacks.
One by one, the aggressors are retreating
Each one lies back down, panting, chests heaving with effort
The puppy has been appeased. The dogs are ready to go back to sleep.
And my old fragile chihuahua has been protected from the morning melee.
I agree, Pix. It’s way too early for this shit.
I got out today.
I forced myself past the pain. Past the desire to stay in bed and wallow. I pushed against it.
The abyss beckoned, said, “Stay here. It’s more comfortable”. (Such a lie. It’s not easier to stay in the dark with you. That is the lie you tell me to make me a slave to your whims. )
I got up, shut out the agony, closed it off as best I could. No, you will not get me today. I’m going. I am going to live today.
Out I went. Out into the world, into society. Which tells me I’m not good enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not thin enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m NOT ENOUGH. Or maybe it’s me telling myself that. Either way, the abyss is always there telling me not to go out there, it’s scary and horrible and safer to stay home in the darkness.
No, I went into the world. Just for a brief moment, I went into the light.
I’m holding onto that small pinprick of light. For the next time the abyss beckons and lies to me, “Stay here with me in the darkness, it’s easier than going out there. Nobody wants you out there, but I want you here.” No. I have this… I went into the light and kept some of it. I have that. I DID that.
And I’ll do it again. You just wait.