Windows Update 2004. It’s like going back to the year 2004.

OK y’all. Lemme tell you about the HELL I’ve been through trying to work my way through this Windows Update to version 2004. The biggest thing about it? A whole new browser you won’t use: Microsoft Edge.

It has utterly screwed up so many things on my three-month old laptop. I bought this with some money leftover from the car fundraiser, so it’s a 2019 clearance model Lenovo Ideapad but still, it’s BRAND NEW essentially (I got it during a sale, too! Bargain shopping at it’s finest.)
First, my computer was acting funny. I went to wake it up and it started beeping at me. Not just a beep like “Oh, you want me to do something and I’m not ready” beep but a frantic beeping like it couldn’t wake up or something was crashing. I did a hard boot and when it came up I immediately did a scan to see WTF was going on. That’s when the update made itself known. It’s being rolled out in phases and mine was just waiting until later that night to be done.

I decided to go ahead and do it while I was awake, preferring to actually watch and see if anything needed to, you know, be helped. Because Microsoft. I wish I’d researched this first and delayed the install until all the problems were mitigated (which you can do). This update has taken TWO days to fully finish and I don’t know if I’ve still rooted out all the problems.
It started out like a normal update, doing its thing. The usual. Download, install, restart. Rinse. Repeat.

When it looked like it was all over and my laptop greeted me with the usual welcome screen, I signed in and then Edge wanted me to migrate all my stuff to it. That’s when all my problems began. I said “no”, and stopped the process there. I *literally* thought that all I was doing was shutting down a browser process, not shutting down part of the update. I crashed the ENTIRE UPDATE. I didn’t know that of course and went on my merry way, thinking I could do my usual surfing of FB and crap. Until my laptop stopped, and restarted and started the entire update process ALL OVER AGAIN FROM SCRATCH.

And then took ALL. DAY. LONG. What started on Wed afternoon and took about an hour and change, has now taken a day — all Wednesday evening and most of Thursday through the afternoon. I sat and watched. Took photos.

8:50 am
10:17 am

At 12:30 pm, reboot, “Look at what’s new” screen and….reboot, back to more updates. *sigh*

At 12: 43 pm, I was back…ish. Then I had to do a bunch of research to go into the regedit and replace the registry key for the graphics card because the drivers didn’t match and OMGWTF. Good thing I’m both computer literate and able and willing to do all this for a THREE MONTH OLD LAPTOP. (That is under warranty, but it’s COVID and really…I’m gonna go find a Lenovo depot or some such shit to make them do it? Yeah, right. I talked to a tech support dude and he told me barely anything I didn’t already know, because I used to BE tech support. I do all the tech support troubleshooting stuff BEFORE I even call them. Trust me, if I call tech support it’s because I’ve already done all the level 1 stuff. Give me to a level 2 tech please.) Ugh….

So. Get graphics updated. And now my sound is HALF of what it was. I do captioning for the deaf and hard of hearing on this. I need the sound to work and I shouldn’t need to use a sound booster on well-produced videos. Check for updated drivers for my sound cards. Those are installed. By now, I’m ready for bed. Shut down for the night.

This morning, I wake up to garbled junk, even the normal Windows sounds are garbled. WTF. This is day THREE of WTFness after the update. So I go through all the troubleshooters and then use the “get help” option and actually chat with a person (!!!!). He tells me to uninstall my sound devices and reboot and let Windows reinstall the drivers. Great, that’s what I was afraid of in the first place, that I’d be back where I started. Well, so far so good they’re working like they did before all this happened.

Thanks to all the gods, Mercury NOT included because he’s fucking retrograde right now. Because of COURSE I’d somehow manage to do an update during Mercury retrograde.