This is sparked by a blog post by an old friend from my way-back days, her wisdom inspires me, even though we rarely speak anymore. Our paths diverged, and a life in the Bible Belt doesn’t allow one to be a public pagan outspoken Witch like I once used to be. So I watch from afar, nostalgic for the days when we danced the bonfires together. Ah… I’m croning. These are the remembrances of a world gone by for me. I truly am getting old. On to the meat of my blog post.
I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions.
I find them to be unnecessary and often ridiculously negative or sparked by the latest diet craze. It’s always about doing something that will make your life “better” by making you get rid of something that you don’t need to be rid of. And anyway, if you want to improve your life or make a lifestyle change, don’t wait for some arbitrary date picked by people centuries ago — if you want to start exercising and thought about doing it on August 17, DO IT on August 17!
But I do believe that words have meaning, and as a Witch we use words to place our intentions upon them. Words have magic when used with intention. Our spells, after all, are words, filled with intention, imbued with our energy and focus. All the incense and candles and oils and herbs and dancing around fires are nothing without the words. Even if you don’t say them aloud — our thoughts are words in our heads and we fill them with intentions and energy and focus upon them to make them come true.
“Magick is the science and art of causing change to occur in conformity with the Will.”Aleister Crowley
So it was with this intention, this Will that I went about pondering and meditating about the word I would select for 2021, one to focus myself upon (especially important considering the dumpster fire that has been 2020). That word, I’ve decided upon is:
This past year, and the year before — I was out of balance. Teetering in one direction or the other. I have always walked a path of balance, trying to maintain it, keeping to the Middle Path, the Middle Pillar, neither walking in shadow or in light but in both and in neither. And somehow I’ve found myself wobbling into one or the other and am completely cockeyed. Every time I go out of balance, I course-correct. But I’ve come to realize as I’ve pondered — I haven’t. I’m way off course…I’m practically Columbus.
I’m currently writing this as I fight off the virus of the century. I haven’t received my test results back yet, but all symptoms point to COVID-19. I’m “lucky” in that I only seem to have a rather mild case of it so far, and I’m taking all precautions to keep it that way. My elderly aunt is in a nursing home, also with Covid. Friend’s parents have passed from it, friends of friends are passing. So many dead. My daughter was positive and thankfully it was so mild she barely noticed and was better in a couple of weeks – but she works in the service industry where no one really cares whether these servers live or die, as long as they get their drinks and food. My country is barely hanging on by a thread, with threats coming from all angles even as a new President waits to be installed to try and drag it out from the disastrous trumpster fire it’s been thrown into.
These years have taken it’s toll on me. I’ve tried, and failed to keep my balance. I am one of those people that go out and try to do good in the world, even while it burns around her. I can’t change the entire world, but I can change my little corner of it for the better. Mr. Rogers had a profound effect on me as a child, I suppose. I loved him and took his words to heart.
But even as I’ve tried to help, to find ways to be a source of compassion and peace, I’ve had trouble finding that source for myself. I’ve gone too far over to one side or the other, allowing myself to be used for one thing or another, for one agenda or another. Believing in something or someone, only to find that they’re not what or who I thought they were. Ah…people, the great pretenders. “I’m a politician!” If I never hear that “excuse” again for why something can’t be done or said, I’ll be a happy woman. I’ve allowed myself to be riddled with insecurities, get mired into negative patterns that have gotten me into places I don’t want to be – stuck in areas of my own shadow that I once that I’d healed, those wounds opening again to spit out the same old sour bile that burns my soul like acid. My therapist is helping me with some of it – we are exploring areas that MUST be reopened to be healed properly – but I’ve also allowed myself to dwell in areas that should really just be closed off when I’m done with them. I’m better than that. Begone foul stench. Close that door for good. Or imposter syndrome rearing it’s ugly head. Abandonment syndrome, C-PTSD, all my infinite and myriad trauma-related syndromes from my remarkable life, a life that I’ve somehow managed to survive with both a sense of humor and a sense of empathy still intact.
I need to turn that empathy back inward to myself — because I’ve forgotten who I AM in the midst of all this turmoil and helping and wanting to be part of the solution, or part of a tribe I’ve never really belonged to. I’ve allowed myself to get lost, and forgotten that while what I do for others is important, and yes, I already have one lasting legacy on this planet (two, if you include my child), I’ve fallen way short of finding a true balance in life. Finding MY Way.
The Middle Path. With an awakened Heart. Bold and free of suffering. Full of Love; walking the line between Shadow AND Light, With magic. And Compassion. And with much gratitude.